


gradient

by newbie1990



Category: Only Ever Yours - Louise O'Neill
Genre: Abusive Relationships, F/F, Gen, Grooming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-03
Updated: 2016-01-03
Packaged: 2018-05-11 12:52:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5627302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/newbie1990/pseuds/newbie1990
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>freida and the Father, the Father and freida. the two most important things in isabel's world. and yet, why can't she feel for the Father the way she feels for freida? </p><p>[isabel/freida pre-slash or gen, depending on how you want to read it]</p>
            </blockquote>





	gradient

i can't remember the first time i saw Him. it must have been in the Nursery, back in that strange fuzzy-edged time no-one could quite remember.

the first time i remember, i was four. He came to visit me. He was smiling so widely, wider than anyone had ever smiled at me before. i knew freida's smiles, the quiet ones on the lips of the chastities. but this was different. there was something about it that made me want to hide.

but He was the Father. we honoured Him, we were good girls. we were Always Willing, and with Him, more than Willing. every eve loved the Father. the chastities shook as he passed, bowing so deeply they disappeared into the folds of their cloaks.

He took my hand. 'hello, isabel,' He said. He knew my name. the Father knew my name. i knew this was an honour, a thrill, a wonder. and so i smiled at him. and He looked so pleased. so pleased with something so small.

He saw me every day on my design date. He was kind. He asked me what it was like at the School, He told me i was very special, very important. He bought me things, books, clothes, necklaces that shone brighter than our painted suns and moonbeams.

i asked him, once, why me, why visit me, when we were all created equal, all lovely. why not agyness with her calm and patience and good heart, why not megan with her fierceness and ambition. why not freida. i didn't understand how anyone could not love freida the way i did.

He smiled and caught my hair between his forefinger and thumb. 'that is a very important secret,' He said. 'I have decided it would be wisest to keep it from you until you are older. just know that you are very, very special, isabel.' the way He smiled at me was familiar and unfamiliar all at the same time.

everything within me tensed. but good girls don't get scared. good girls are eager to please. good girls are Always, Always Willing. and i was special. He was our King, our Lord, the most important and wisest and greatest of all the Men. and He thought i was special. maybe this was just how it felt to be special. maybe i was so used to the company of eves that i was in awe, in fear.

so i smiled. i said, 'You are always so kind to me, Father.' i didn't ask if He saw the other eves, if He wanted to. it was His business, not for me to know.

He kissed my forehead, and i wanted to pull away but i stayed very still, leaned into Him slightly as if i didn't want to let Him go. 'remember, this is our secret,' He said. 'the chastities know, but the other eves must not.' He tweaked my nose, and i smiled. 'not every eve can have a visit from the Father, and I don't want them getting jealous of My isabel.'

My isabel. it should have shone, so i polished the words until they did, until they shone within my chest.

how did other things come so easily? how was it that with freida i never wanted to leave her side, wanted to stay tangled up in whispers and secrets and limbs and her smell of warm cinnamon, but with the most wonderful Man in all the world i felt still and heavy and cold? there wasn't anything wrong with me. i was special, everyone told me so every day. the Father told me so. if the Father thought i was good enough, i had to be.

i wondered, then, why we all wanted so much to be companions if being with Men felt like this. why we wouldn't choose to be chastities, to stay here forever amidst the warmth of one another.

when freida told me i was her best friend, it glowed so warm inside me. i could have lived off the light. i wanted to tell her, 'me too, me too, i like you more'. like didn't seem to cover it. but love was a word for Men and companions, companions and Sons. eves did not love one another. we weren't capable of it. we were competition. our centre, our purpose, was to please the Men, to honour the Father. other eves did not matter.

it seemed so strange to me that something that mattered so little felt so much more than the most important thing of all.


End file.
